Move over MTV Spring Break and Wild On E!, Summer has hit the República! And you know what that means at all the local Argentine networks…. VAMOS A LA PLAYA! Or a pool, or a fake beach with artificial sand, really wherever there are girls in bikinis. Lucky correspondents and creepy cameramen have been counting down the days until the tight assed, thonged out, boluda screaming argentinas migrate to the beach to make their culos dance when the camera comes around. Each local news station dedicates about half of each show to the beach segments, forcing sunbathers to parade in a circle and answer questions like, “do you have any tattoos?” “are your tits real?” and “what did you eat for lunch?”
It wouldn’t be complete without the inserted cheesy sound effects (boiiing), dangerous close ups on the female body, idiotic commentary about those close ups (EPAAA), and then re-watching it all over again on a nightly talk show where a “panel of experts” dissects the channel’s daily tush-montage.
“Todo Metido” Cameraman’s shadow right on the ass crack
Man on motorcycle gets in an accident with a taxi driver in Palermo, breaks his neck along with several other body parts, blood splatters everywhere causing quite the scene. Luckily, the man gets comfortable, crosses his legs, and is able to give a full interview while lying on his back in the middle of the street. Gotta love Crónica to get right in there and cover the story.
La ciudad fue un horno (The city was an oven, literal translation) is a segment that Cronica TV has been playing during the summertime. Generally every night, similar footage is shown to investigate the newsworthy activity that is going on at various beaches…
For all you convicted sex-offenders out there, I think you have found the perfect job as a cameraman for Cronica.
Here’s a prime example of the quality investigative journalism from my favorite source for all news Argentina, Cronica TV (click for past segments). For those of you who don’t speak Spanish, the headline reads: FATAL ACCIDENT IN FLORES (neighborhood in BA) TWO PEOPLE DEAD, AND A BOLIVIAN. Now correct me if I’m wrong, and maybe this is a stupid question, but wouldn’t that make it 3 people dead?
If you think this may be a SNL-like spoof, you have been mistaken! This is a prime example of the format and content of the headlines… it’s like one completely politically incorrect person got together with all their despicable sleazeball counterparts and said, “We gotta start a news channel!” And they did.
My all time favorite channel, Crónica TV, is a 24/7 “news” channel that never fails to entertain. It’s like Fox News teamed up with TMZ and the Jerry Springer Show to broadcast the latest breaking news complete with theme songs, racist jokes, inappropriate sound effects, graphic footage of accidents and of course, lots of partially nude females.
My favorite segment is “Estallo el Verano” where reporters go to popular summer hot spots in Argentina and interview the sunbathers asking them the most crucial questions like if they use sunscreen.