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Why do songs sound better in English?

24 Apr

Infla la mermelada
Mientras tus pies golpean
Y la mermelada se infla mirala quiere saltar
No quiero
Un lugar donde dormir
Pone tu cola en el piso esta noche
Hace mi dia
Hace mi dia
Ha-hace mi di- hace mi dia
De- infla la mermelada inflala de infla, infla la mermelada
Infla infla infla infla infla

Snakes On A Bus

11 Apr

Police in the Santa Fe province of Argentina arrested a man who smuggled 670 reptiles onto a bus headed for Buenos Aires.  The reptile smuggler loaded boxes and bags filled with 444 boas, vipers and other snakes; 186 endangered tortoises; 40 lizards, and an armadillo.

Suspicions arose when two bags aboard the bus began moving around – when opened, snakes were found slithering around inside.  Police were terrified to open the boxes loaded below the bus in the luggage compartment, in fear of the poisonous reptiles. The accused smuggler spent three months trapping the little creatures in the town of Santiago del Estero, with intention to sell and send to Europe.




Of course I need a clip from my favorite Park Ranger, Brian Fellows.

Chau Verano, Te Mando Un Beso

8 Apr

Top Reasons Why To Love Summer In Buenos Aires:

Tits and Ass on the News

It wouldn’t be an Argentine summer without tits and ass shown on TV – and LOTS of it. Everywhere you look HOLA TETAS, HOLA CULOS.  Imagine a combination of a D-level small town news channel teaming up with Wild On E! or MTV Spring Break.

The Commercials

Argentina is known for their funny, inventive commercials – especially when summertime rolls around.  These pretty much exemplify how Argies are quite creative when it comes to publicidades.

Speedy: Oriundos Verano 2011

Sprite: De Lejos Están Todas Buenas


Claro: El Tema De Verano

Real and Fake Beaches

Many will say that the best Argentine beaches are in Uruguay.  But despite what these beach snobs say, there are beautiful weekend vacation spots along the Costa Atlántica.  Steer clear of the Mar del Plata craziness, the Jersey Shore’s latino cousin, and check out more relaxed destinations like Mar Azul, Cariló, Mar de Las Pampas and Villa Gesell.

Mauricio Macri at Buenos Aires Playa, wearing a stylish hat

As Artificial As The Tetas

If you can’t make it to the real beach, no need to worry – you can stay in Capital and still get the whole playa experience: yellow umbrellas, sand, beach volleyball, outdoor showers – you know, everything important minus the actual ocean. Visit Buenos Aires Playa, Peru Beach or even a plaza in your barrio and it’s almost like the real thing.

Empty Subte

Riding on the subway can be hell on earth – it’s like walking into a sauna that has never been cleaned, filled with garbage, urine, and pushy old ladies with hand fans.  But when summer rolls around, the number of sweaty men in suits slightly decreases, fatties with dripping arm pits manage not to get up in your grill, and elbowing middle aged woman (and men) tend not to push so hard to get a seat.

Best of San Telmo Street Art

9 Feb

San Telmo, the oldest barrio in Buenos Aires, is known for antique stores, milongas, cobblestone streets, traditional cafés and old school parrillas.  A barrio where the retro-cool hardcore kids live in their high ceiling, historic apartments.  My favorite thing about San Telmo? It houses some of the best street art in the city.  Ditch the crowded San Telmo Feria, flocking around the B-level Tango street performers, and check out the great street art.  Here are some of my faves….

Breaking News: Summer is back another year!

7 Jan

Move over MTV Spring Break and Wild On E!, Summer has hit the República! And you know what that means at all the local Argentine networks…. VAMOS A LA PLAYA!  Or a pool, or a fake beach with artificial sand, really wherever there are girls in bikinis.  Lucky correspondents and creepy cameramen have been counting down the days until the tight assed, thonged out, boluda screaming argentinas migrate to the beach to make their culos dance when the camera comes around. Each local news station dedicates about half of each show to the beach segments, forcing   sunbathers to parade in a circle and answer questions like, “do you have any tattoos?” “are your tits real?” and “what did you eat for lunch?”

It wouldn’t be complete without the inserted cheesy sound effects (boiiing), dangerous close ups on the female body, idiotic commentary about those close ups (EPAAA), and then re-watching it all over again on a nightly talk show where a “panel of experts” dissects the channel’s daily tush-montage.

“Todo Metido” Cameraman’s shadow right on the ass crack

Ricardo Fort-toon: Super Fort

6 Nov

The most dreamy man in all of Argentina, Ricardo Fort, heir to the Fort candy empire, has made it big.  Not just making guest appearances on network television programs like Showmatch, or singing the song “I know you want me”, or impersonating a gay robocop / Lady Gaga singing bad romance, Ricardo Fort has become a super hero starring in his own show.



6 Oct

Those newbies out there who are just learning castellano, or more specifically porteño Spanish, may become perplexed when they hear what is presumed to sound like English words, pronounced in exaggerated Spanish accents, thrown into the mix.  No your ears are not deceiving you.  With the help of fellow expats, I have listed my favorite anglicized-castellano words and phrases.

*Disclaimer: It’s important to picture your favorite Argentine pronouncing all these words  in a thick over-exaggerated porteño accent.  That is why I have done my best to use my own phonetically-sound wisdom.

Some of my top faves:

  • Sorry Soh-rrrrry boluda, no puedo venir a la fiesta mañana.”
  • VIP “El VEEEEP en el boliche siempre está lleno de viejos sucios.”
  • Lunch “Tengo hambre, querés pedir algo para loonch-ay.”
  • After (after office) “Vamos a un aft-arrr después del trabajo.”
  • Man “che, pero que hacés monnn?”
  • Top “ese lugar es increible, es re-TOPE
  • Fashion “Me encantan los RayBans, son re-fashion
  • Sale “voy a la calle corrrdoba, hay muchos sailsss. Liquidaciones en todos lados!”
  • Cool “esa MAC es re kúl
  • Chance “no voy a la fiesta en la provincia, no hay chan-say
  • Full (afull) “Tengo mucho trabajo, estoy afoool
  • Ticket (receipt) “Ahora te doy el teekit”
  • Look “Quiero un nuevo loooook, punk emo o flogger – ¿que les parece?”
  • Too much “Qué personaje! Es tooooo muh-tch.”
  • Please “¿Me pasás la sal, pley-z?”
  • Okaaaaaaaaaaaay – Think Little John

Other Honorable Mention in the English to English Dictionary:

  • Hobby – Passtime, leeeeeisure activity
  • Notebook – Laptop
  • Mouse – computer mouse
  • Púlover, sueter pullover, sweater – how great is that púlover spelling?!
  • El Living – Living room
  • Mail – Email
  • Shopping – Shopping center
  • Basquet – Basketball
  • Tupper – Tupperware
  • Shot – of tequila
  • Rollers – Rollerblades
  • Brushing – (gettin’ yo hair did)
  • Lifting (gettin’ yo ass did)
  • Flash – Quickly
  • Hot – Think… Chicas HOTE, panchos HOTE
  • Super – Enormo
  • Barman – Bartender
  • Freelance
  • Show
  • Heavy
  • Delivery
  • Jeans
  • Freezer
  • Test

Watch this hilarious clip of Capusotto’s character “Gary Palermo” as he adds in random English words, that don’t really make sense, in order to look muy cool, top, fashion.

Project Runway Argentina Casting Call

16 Sep

Calling all local Argentine butchers, Project Runway is coming to Buenos Aires searching in hundreds of carnicerías to find out who will be the next top designer!  So far, competitors include Franc Fernandez, most known for Lady Gaga’s gamey VMA 25 kg matambre masterpiece and my local carnicero, known for making it work by cutting my slabs of prime Argie beef.  Who will be in and who will be out? Alveterzane.

Kosher Waters: The Wall Mitzvah

9 Sep

In celebration of the year 5771, it is only appropriate to share comedic genius Peter Capusotto and his videos. In this video, impersonator extraordinaire Capusotto dresses up as a Rabbi simply listing Jewish last names, in a Spanish-Jewish accent (Yes, Jews in Argentina also have a particular jewy accent).

Martha Stewart Living, Good Parenting, Highlights, Nudey Magazines

28 Feb

You will see a wide selection of magazines and newspaper just about at any corner in Buenos Aires. What’s the best way to sell these periodicals in an era of free online news and gossip blogs? Big titties and fat asses!

Meanwhile up north, the Lady Gaga Q magazine cover was widely banned in the US due to the semi-topless photo.
The equivalent of the Janet Jackson wardrobe malfunction not only occurs every day on regular network Argentine television, but is encouraged.

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