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Chau Verano, Te Mando Un Beso

8 Apr

Top Reasons Why To Love Summer In Buenos Aires:

Tits and Ass on the News

It wouldn’t be an Argentine summer without tits and ass shown on TV – and LOTS of it. Everywhere you look HOLA TETAS, HOLA CULOS.  Imagine a combination of a D-level small town news channel teaming up with Wild On E! or MTV Spring Break.


The Commercials

Argentina is known for their funny, inventive commercials – especially when summertime rolls around.  These pretty much exemplify how Argies are quite creative when it comes to publicidades.

Speedy: Oriundos Verano 2011

Sprite: De Lejos Están Todas Buenas

 

Claro: El Tema De Verano


Real and Fake Beaches

Many will say that the best Argentine beaches are in Uruguay.  But despite what these beach snobs say, there are beautiful weekend vacation spots along the Costa Atlántica.  Steer clear of the Mar del Plata craziness, the Jersey Shore’s latino cousin, and check out more relaxed destinations like Mar Azul, Cariló, Mar de Las Pampas and Villa Gesell.

Mauricio Macri at Buenos Aires Playa, wearing a stylish hat

As Artificial As The Tetas

If you can’t make it to the real beach, no need to worry – you can stay in Capital and still get the whole playa experience: yellow umbrellas, sand, beach volleyball, outdoor showers – you know, everything important minus the actual ocean. Visit Buenos Aires Playa, Peru Beach or even a plaza in your barrio and it’s almost like the real thing.

Empty Subte

Riding on the subway can be hell on earth – it’s like walking into a sauna that has never been cleaned, filled with garbage, urine, and pushy old ladies with hand fans.  But when summer rolls around, the number of sweaty men in suits slightly decreases, fatties with dripping arm pits manage not to get up in your grill, and elbowing middle aged woman (and men) tend not to push so hard to get a seat.

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Breaking News: Summer is back another year!

7 Jan

Move over MTV Spring Break and Wild On E!, Summer has hit the República! And you know what that means at all the local Argentine networks…. VAMOS A LA PLAYA!  Or a pool, or a fake beach with artificial sand, really wherever there are girls in bikinis.  Lucky correspondents and creepy cameramen have been counting down the days until the tight assed, thonged out, boluda screaming argentinas migrate to the beach to make their culos dance when the camera comes around. Each local news station dedicates about half of each show to the beach segments, forcing   sunbathers to parade in a circle and answer questions like, “do you have any tattoos?” “are your tits real?” and “what did you eat for lunch?”

It wouldn’t be complete without the inserted cheesy sound effects (boiiing), dangerous close ups on the female body, idiotic commentary about those close ups (EPAAA), and then re-watching it all over again on a nightly talk show where a “panel of experts” dissects the channel’s daily tush-montage.

“Todo Metido” Cameraman’s shadow right on the ass crack

Crónica TV Video of the Day

26 Dec

Man on motorcycle gets in an accident with a taxi driver in Palermo, breaks his neck along with several other body parts, blood splatters everywhere causing quite the scene.  Luckily, the man gets comfortable, crosses his legs, and is able to give a full interview while lying on his back in the middle of the street. Gotta love Crónica to get right in there and cover the story.

More of the top news stories of the day at Cronica TV…

27 Jan

La ciudad fue un horno (The city was an oven, literal translation) is a segment that Cronica TV has been playing during the summertime. Generally every night, similar footage is shown to investigate the newsworthy activity that is going on at various beaches…

For all you convicted sex-offenders out there, I think you have found the perfect job as a cameraman for Cronica.

Fatal Accident in Flores: 2 People Dead, and a Bolivian

5 Sep


Here’s a prime example of the quality investigative journalism from my favorite source for all news Argentina, Cronica TV (click for past segments). For those of you who don’t speak Spanish, the headline reads: FATAL ACCIDENT IN FLORES (neighborhood in BA) TWO PEOPLE DEAD, AND A BOLIVIAN. Now correct me if I’m wrong, and maybe this is a stupid question, but wouldn’t that make it 3 people dead?

If you think this may be a SNL-like spoof, you have been mistaken! This is a prime example of the format and content of the headlines… it’s like one completely politically incorrect person got together with all their despicable sleazeball counterparts and said, “We gotta start a news channel!” And they did.

Crónica TV – Estallo el Verano

3 Feb

My all time favorite channel, Crónica TV, is a 24/7 “news” channel that never fails to entertain. It’s like Fox News teamed up with TMZ and the Jerry Springer Show to broadcast the latest breaking news complete with theme songs, racist jokes, inappropriate sound effects, graphic footage of accidents and of course, lots of partially nude females.

My favorite segment is “Estallo el Verano” where reporters go to popular summer hot spots in Argentina and interview the sunbathers asking them the most crucial questions like if they use sunscreen.

 

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