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The Magician

22 Aug

WALK MOTHER F$#%^&!, F#$%^& WALK!

8 Aug

Photo LaNacion

Slow walkers suck… move asshole, I’m trying to walk here! I am sure many have experienced this on the subway, especially the escalator.  Why wait in a line just to get on an escalator when there are only 10 steps to climb? Sheer laziness? Why when on the escalator people stand still, blocking the entire width making it impossible for anybody to pass? Is this just people being utterly inconsiderate?  After some investigating, I have discovered that they are, in fact, following the rules of the subway.

1. Hold onto the railing
2. Hold hands with a child (perverts, this one’s for you)
3. Pick up your feet when you get off the escalator
4. Tie your shoes
5. **Don’t run or walk on the escalator***
6. Don’t place objects on the steps

Understaffed jail uses ball to resemble prison guard dummy, two inmates escape

21 Jul

Cast Away 2: Wilson the Prison Guard

Who is the poor guy who thought of this disastrous plan?  Prison guards in the Neuquén Province in Patagonia, Argentina had to find a quick solution to their lack of man power dilemma.  With the inspiration of Tom Hanks in Cast Away, guards created “Wilson,” a football with a guard’s cap, to guard the watchtower.  Yes, you heard right, a ball.

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Che fat ass, get a nose job!

10 Jul

Argentines are known for being brutally honest.  The common extranjero may interpet this as utter rudeness, running home in tears after being called a major fatty.  Political correctness does not really exist compared to the out of control politically correct attitude in the US.  Gain a few pounds? Looking rough in the morning after a long night out? No need to worry!  I guarantee you’ll have several “friends” to call you out on it… “Estás más gorda! Qué estás comiendo?” *Basic translation: You are a fat ass, put down the fork and wire your double chinned jaw shut.

While you may think calling someone gordita (fatty), grandota (giant beast), negra (someone who is dark skinned), or china (Asian, or some with Asian features, or someone with curly hair?) isn’t very nice, it is used more as a “loving” term of a endearment.

Heading out to a costume party? Don’t be surprised if you see a number of inappropriate outfits, I’ve seen people dress in black-face, Nazi gear, and KKK robes.  In my opinion, there are two things at play here… those foreigners who are way too sensitive, and those Argentines who do not know when to shut it.

Asia de Cuba Halloween Party, 2006

Pimp my Kid

4 Jul

Just what Palermo needs, a store called Pimp my kid.  Soho is so gangsta.

The Odd Couple

1 Jul

Maradona back in the day kickin’ it with Freddie and the Queen crew. Freddie looks hawt rockin’ Argie colors.

Look-Alike Game: World Cup Edition

26 Jun

The Look-Alike game is back, Argentina national team style. If there was ever a movie about the 2010 team, I know exactly who could be considered for the roles…

Sesame Street’s “Beetles” (From “The Beetles Parody”) as Lionel Messi.

Carlos Tevez played by The Geico Caveman

A Pirate as Juan Sebastian Verón

Hockey great Wayne Gretzky and the late Steve Erwin as Gabriel Heinze

Saddam Hussein (or one of his doubles) as Diego Maradona

Maradona would have fit in perfectly as one of the Saddam Look-Alikes on that episode of Arrested Development

Make up your mind, supermercado!

24 Jun

Health of a Nation: What’s Messi eating for dinner?

18 Jun

My favorite morning news channel, C5N, continues to report the latest breaking headlines.

In the health segment of Mañanas Argentinas, my dream boyfriend Dr. Cormillot and his crew of pelotudos (if I was British, I’d use the word wanker, but I’m not) discuss, in-depth, the Argentine fútbol team’s diet.  Argentina is playing awfully well so far, so what magic foods are they scarfing down?

Not surprisingly a diet that consists of the same shiat that every other Argentine eats daily, minus any form of vegetable

(No, puré de something fatty and a “Russian” salad are not considered vegetables*). What do they eat, you ask? Pasta, Milanesas, Meats, Ice Cream… oh ya, and 14 different types of salad. Sounds like a healthy, well-balanced diet to me!

*Vegetables aren’t common staples in the daily Argentine diet.  If it isn’t meat, and it is a starch with cream or mayonnaise, it’s probably considered a vegetable.

I bet fat Maradona ate a lot of Russian salads…

Put It Away, Diego

26 May

The Argentine God, AKA Diego Maradona, recently announced on live radio that if Argentina wins the World Cup, he will strip down to his birfday suit and run naked around the Obelisco.

I bet he’ll do it even if Argentina doesn’t win. Just google “Maradona desnudo” for a sneak peak….. you have been warned in advance, that shit ain’t pretty!

Vintage fat ass photo of Maradona

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